my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Randomize
