Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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