All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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