She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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