Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
It's never too late to be topless.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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