I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I did not marry a roomba.
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