I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Randomize
