the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
