My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
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