Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
