Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
