I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Randomize
