Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I yelled at your uterus for you.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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