Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
