Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
