They should really pass out barf bags in church
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
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