I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
