I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
