I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
