Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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