i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
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i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
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I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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