my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
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