If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
do herpes really smell.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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