I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
