Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
