I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
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