he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
