You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The air was thick with penises
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
i need some magic done to my vagina
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
