I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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