Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
