3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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