dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
