He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
