i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
If You’re Hot, It’s Easier For You To Do These 27 Things
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
23 Struggles Kids These Days Will Never Know
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?