The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher