Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.