I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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