dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
