honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
wakey wakey hands off snakey
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
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Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
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All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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