never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
