i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Hippo gnu deer
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
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I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
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Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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