Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
