Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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