speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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