I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
