OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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