I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
