my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
