i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
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We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
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The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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