I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
