Swine flu. Run for my life!
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
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