One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i will never coherently bang her
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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