Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
