im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
