The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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