Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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