i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i drank out of a bidet.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
