I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Randomize
