I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
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How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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